A/N yay! people responded!-I will work on my caps and stops and stuff
-and so here's chapter 1!
"AMY! They're coming run!" My head shot up.I looked around none seemed to have called my name."AMY!" There it was again,I wondered where it was coming from.Again I looked around, and yet again no one had called my name;everyone was too focused one the "Hot new guys" as the girl next to me put it.I hadn't heard the voice again so I went back to doodling on my paper. I personally could care less whether the new people had three arms and two heads;It somehow always turned out that whenever guys and I mixed,I was always the one to get hurt;except for Ben,I knew for a fact that he would never hurt me.
"So, who will be our shadow for the new kids?"Mr. de lioncourt asked. And not surprisingly every girl,except for me, had their hands up,even some of the guys did. Mr. de lioncourt obviously looking for someone who wouldn't ask them out or flirt with them; which unfortunately was me.
"Ah Miss.Hunter I'm sure you will be a great shadow and show our new students our lovely school." I sighed and looked up "I'm sure the newbies will be fine without me." I replied and began drawing again. "Miss hunter will you step out into the hall with me for a moment?" He asked with a tight lipped smile. "fine" I replied gritting my teeth. I followed him into the hall and when we got there he turned around annoyance on his every feature." Miss Hunter I am sure you did not mean that back there after all they are very nice boys. Also I am sure that you have not forgotten that you are hanging by a very small thin line, and which if broken you will be sent home. I realize that you are angry at some people who I will not mention for your sake but you need let it go and make friends! Now you will go back in there apologize and show them around." "For my sake? For my sake?!? Yeah I'm angry in fact I'm down right(A/N kinda bad/cuss word coming up) pissed and no I do not need to make friends;I have a friend His name is Ben and he sits right next to me.And why should I apologize I didn't do anything." I replied absolutely fuming. "Miss. Hunter you will go in there and apologize and you will show the boys around the school. And you will do it happily. do I make myself clear?" Mr de lioncourt said with a cold glare and words dripping with malice."crystal" I replied with equal force and shoved passed him to get to the classroom. I went to my desk completely ignoring the fact that the girls were flirting, almost desperately, with Mark and Justin, two of the new guys,the other boys were shooting death glares at them, and that Raven, the last new guy, was standing in the corner smirking at everything that was happening. I grabbed my books and backpack and stood next to Mr. de lioncourt who was currently trying to calm down the class. "Just to let you know Ben is coming with me." I whispered to him once he quieted down the class enough to hear me. " You know I still haven't heard your apology yet Miss. Hunter." he replied coolly. "you'll get your apology, though I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't do in front the class, I'll do it later" "fine but youare going to apologize." "yeah whatever" I mumbled. "boys, this is Miss.Hunter who will show around our school." Mr. de lioncourt said "And this is Ben who will accompany us" I said pointing to Ben who looked up when I said his name.Mr. de lioncourt didn't look pleased that he was going to tag along but I couldn't care less.When he was ready to go I walked past the new kids and mumbled to myself"lets just get this over with."
A/N so there it is! I rewrote it about three times so I'm pretty sure its okay but if you think other wise then tell me and ill probably rewrite it again and make it to your liking! so anyway review!
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Canary word: Present
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Just a little tip there: some readers aren't likely to be drawn in
if your story begins at school. Why? Because there are hundreds of school stories out there, most of them no good. Having said that, I'm fairly sure this won't be a school story.
Sorry. Having raked you over the coals, let me give you a more friendly
pointer. Each time a new person speaks, start a new paragraph. It helps
the story flow, trust me.
Hello! I'm not in a very good mood because I just wrote a super long review AND IT GOT DELETED! UGH. Well, I'll just have to write the overall pointers (sorry)
CHARACTERS
Not impressed. Your mc didn't breathe or walk between the lines, she was just a character in a story. Since this is in first person you really have to express her so that we think she's flesh and bone. Stories in first peron are built on the mc's beliefs, values, perspective and personality. Go to the knowledge base on YWS, they have some great articles on developing characters.
NITPICKS
You missed A LOT of commas, some spelling, some periods and some spacing had to be done as well. Just go back through it and edit till it's polished!
PLOT
Hmmm. I don't really see where you're going with this. When I read the title I thought it was going to be all adventurous and stuff, but it turned out not. This is ok, I'm just wondering how this story is going to end.
OVERALL
I thought this had a lot of work to be done. There wasn't enough color and emotion. It felt a little... stale. However, if you clean it up it could really get better. PM me when you post the rest!
winie*
Hey,
You are doing a wonderful job. Thank you for writing hoppe to see more and you are doing a really good job with remembering to do caps, Cant wait to see more from you. Your fellow writer for Jesus.....
Horse